Responding to Those Experiencing Domestic Violence
The role of an ally
For a person experiencing domestic violence, the most significant support you can offer may be to listen to and validate their experience. They may be thinking: 'Am I imagining this? I feel violated or disrespected, but maybe I deserve it, or maybe there is something I should have done to stop it from happening?' Answering these questions and confirming that what they experienced was wrong provides them with a choice and possibilities. The Safe and Together Institute provide an Ally Guide, which gives suggestions on how you can help, including:
- If you notice changes or concerning behaviour, ask, 'Are you okay?' Even if they say they are fine, let them know that if they ever need to talk, you are open to this.
- If they talk, let them know: ‘You are not responsible for the other person’s actions, and you didn’t cause them to behave this way.’
- If they are open to talking more, make a safe time to catch up. Sensitively ask more about what they have experienced. Listen to specific examples of the violence or coercive control and the impact on them and any children (remember, it is usually a pattern of various experiences, not just one event). Look for any safety concerns that may require immediate help or referral, and how the person perpetrating the violence responded to attempts to ask for change.
- Affirm all the things they are doing that are right and their strengths and recognise the difficult decisions they have made to keep themselves and others safe (even if it is different from what you might have done!).
- Offer practical support and prayer.
Also see Conversations with Angela Mayer.
Listen, respond and refer
Below are some suggestions for the practical ways we can respond to a person experiencing domestic violence.
Ask: Be aware of the possibility of domestic violence among the people you meet. Ask if you feel concerned and offer a listening ear.
Ongoing pastoral care
Pastorally caring longer-term for a person who is experiencing or has experienced domestic violence, while they receive external counselling, has several key tasks. The Domestic Violence Handbook (p27) provides useful Information on what you can do, beginning with asking yourself:
- How can I empower this woman or man?
- How can I assist this woman or man to journey towards healing?
It will involve active listening, recognising the grief, trauma, shame and loss of self-esteem they may be experiencing and helping her to understand the difference between love and control. It often will involve practical support – listening and talking things through, possibly helping them to find new accommodation, babysitting, helping them sort and move house, being a sounding board for difficult decisions, helping them negotiate with government services and schools, supporting them when others are judgemental, talking about the reactions of adult children, or providing food and household support.
See the downloadable ‘Pastorally Caring for Women Traumatised by Domestic Violence’ document on the left.
There is a Kids Helpline (Australia) on 1800 551 800 and a Kids Helpline (NZ) on 0800 942 8787.
For more information, see the LCANZ Child Protection Procedure.
Information on supporting babies, children and young people can be found in the fact sheets and resources below:
- Queensland Centre for Domestic and Family Violence Research
- Safe and Together Institute
- SAFER resource
- NAPCAN resource (for religious communities)
Supporting children and young people
The Domestic Violence Handbook (p21) provides some further guidelines on supporting children and young people experiencing domestic violence.
Children will often have allegiances to both parents. However, there are times when some children, because of coercion and tactics of maternal alienation, may not be able to name that they are fearful of their father. Similarly, children can take the stress of this situation out on their mother, as they know it is safe to do so, since their mother cares for them. Children may blame their mother for the abuse or be angry if she decides to leave. This may be because she has protected them from seeing the abuse, and they have not been aware of it, or because they are loyal to their father.
Below are some things to remember when responding to children who experience domestic violence:
- Tell them that the violence is not okay, and it is not their fault.
- Give them permission to explore their feelings and thoughts, including the confusion they may be experiencing.
- Acknowledge their feelings and confusion.
- Listen to their experience and their understanding of what is happening in their world.
- Provide a safe space to discuss their fears and worries.
- Give them time to assess if you are a trustworthy person to speak with, and inform them about confidentiality and its limits, in a way that they can understand.
- Let them know that domestic violence occurs in many families.
- Explore how fearful they are. This then informs what actions you can take. For example, ask ‘What happens when …?’
- Develop a safety plan. How can the children be safer?
- A referral to a counselling or support service will be beneficial, either individually or for family counselling, if this is possible without the perpetrator of the abuse intervening.
- Find out who else they trust and who could be approached for support.
- Social competence, problem-solving skills, autonomy and a sense of purpose and future are attributes that can assist in a child’s recovery.'
Witnessing domestic violence is considered a child protection issue in many jurisdictions, and if you receive a disclosure of a child being abused or witnessing significant domestic violence, you first need to take steps to ensure the safety of the child, and it may need to be reported to local child protection/welfare services.
Responding to elder abuse
If a senior person (generally over 65 years) is currently being threatened or abused, you can call the police and help them to find a safe place, which might include other family or a respite centre. If it is not a crisis, and there is longer-term abuse, including financial abuse, encourage them to call the helplines who can discuss their options with them.
- Australia – 1800 ELDERHelp (1800 353 374)
- New Zealand – 0800 3266865
Some areas will have specific elder abuse services that can also assist with referrals to legal, financial or mediation services for families. As with any person experiencing abuse, they need you to listen, to help them make sense of what is happening and to empower them to make decisions to look after themselves, especially as the abuse is often from their family members or carers they depend on.
Again, your role is to recognise, listen and refer the senior person to services that can provide accurate information, counselling or advice. It is useful to note that they may experience the ‘digital divide’ and require your assistance to find services online and connect with them. Reliable legal or financial advice may also be required.
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