Jane’s story

When we think of domestic and family violence, many of us might think that this criminal behaviour could not and would not exist within the families of our churches: that this horrible issue is a dark stain on the lives of people we don’t know … not people like us. And if we think that way – as much as we wish it were true – we’d be wrong. What follows is a true story. However, the names and identifying details of the people in this story have not been included to protect the privacy and safety of this family.

The hardest story I have ever told is my own.

I was married for more than 30 years, and together my husband and I had three children.

During our marriage, there were certainly some happy times – and writing this story is so difficult.

But a few years ago, I read an article about a woman whose husband had killed their children. When I read that article, I thought, ‘That’s me, that could be me’. I knew I needed help. I spent three years working with a professional counsellor to support me, and our marriage, and to help to improve the safety of myself and my children.

On the outside, we were a ‘perfect’ family. We would go to church every Sunday, we modelled ‘happiness’ and no-one would have known what was really going on.

I suppose I thought the humiliation, the insults, the unpredictable behaviour, the questioning, the anger, the bruises, the choking and the deep, deep fear could all be ‘managed’ if I just was a better wife and I treated him better.

He was always so sorry, and I so much wanted to believe this.

And things were better for a while, but then it got worse, even worse than before. The cycle would go on and on and on and on.

The children found ways to avoid having to be with their father. They were also worried for me and expressed many times that the way their dad treated me was not right. But I thought to myself, ‘We are Christian and Christians don’t behave like this … it must be something that I have done, or that I could do better’.

My husband and I had counselling, both together and as individuals, and that seemed to help, but it was so hard because my husband didn’t think he had anything to learn.

He often quoted the Bible to justify his actions, and he was very outspoken about the role of women in the church. It made me wonder, ‘If that is what he thinks of other women, what does he think of me?’.

I felt humiliated and ashamed and longed for things to be different. I realised that I didn’t even know how most couples spoke and discussed things together, let alone longing for this to be the case with my husband and me.

I felt I was trapped because I didn’t have anywhere to go. I tried talking with a few other family members, but they didn’t believe me about my husband’s behaviour. ‘That can’t be true, he is a fine Christian man’, they would say. I begged with all my heart for someone who would believe me. I felt like a very bad person and a very bad Christian.

Some people told me that if I prayed hard enough, it would get better. No-one said that how my husband made me feel, and what he did to me, was wrong.

Somehow, I felt that it was my fault. The choking and the bruises were deeply humiliating.

Eventually, I realised that, for the safety of myself and my children, I couldn’t stay in the same house with my husband. But leaving the relationship was the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn’t want to let the world know that our family’s secrets were so horrible. I thought I could help him.

I thought I could help him to love and respect me.

I feared for my life during those first few months after I left. What if he found me? What would he do? Perhaps if I went back, it would be better …

When I finally felt able to talk to my pastor, he listened, did not judge me, respected me and supported me, praying for and with me. This has been an amazing encouragement for me. I have also had assistance from wonderful Christian people who believe my story and support me.

I realise now that unless my husband understands, unless there is mutual respect and love without fear, power and control, then I will never be safe and never be able to live in a healthy relationship with him.

I have come to realise that the Bible is about love, respect and compassion, not fear, anger, humiliation and violence. I now know that in all its forms, violence is never, ever okay.

If you or someone you know is affected by domestic and family violence, visit ANROWS Get Support webpage or call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), the 24-hour National Sexual Assault Family Domestic Violence Counselling Service, or Lifeline Counselling (24 hours) 131 114. In an emergency, call 000.