I wish I’d known more … a pastor’s reflections on family violence

Note: In these stories, names have been changed to protect the people concerned.

Early warning signs

Early in my ministry, I was asked to conduct Alison and Tony’s wedding. Alison and her family were long-time members of my congregation, while Tony had moved to the area for work.

As we went through preparations for the wedding, I discovered that Tony was outgoing, with a stereotypical Aussie sense of humour, while Alison was much quieter. As time went by, Tony’s humour became based on ‘blokey’ jokes at Alison’s expense.

With the wedding day drawing closer, I began to feel more uncomfortable with Tony’s sense of humour. It felt like he was putting Alison down. The jokes may have been funny if she’d given an equal response, but these were very one-sided.

As I reflected on this long after the wedding, I wondered what life was like for Alison. I wish I had initiated a discussion with them about this. I wish I had known more about verbal abuse and the various ways it could manifest.

I wish I’d known what to say …

New to a parish, I was invited to visit members Sally and Andrew for dinner.

While Sally prepared the meal, Andrew and I chatted. This began with a typical get-to-know-you discussion. Then the conversation changed. As we watched Sally get dinner, Andrew made comments such as, ‘You have to keep these women in their place, don’t you?’. I was taken aback and unprepared for such a comment and did not respond.

Andrew continued to make similar statements that implied a view of his wife as subservient and as someone who needed to be kept under control. He seemed to have an underlying hostility toward her. I felt uncomfortable and remained virtually silent because I did not know what to say. Then that moment passed, and the meal continued as though nothing had been said.

Another time, Sally came to the church office and said she wanted to ‘chill’ for a while. Andrew had become upset with her, and she wanted to give him time to cool down before returning home. She had a clear bruise on her arm as though he’d forcefully gripped her. She brushed off the bruise as inconsequential, but did share with me that Andrew would sometimes be abusive. At the same time, she excused him, dismissing his behaviour as of little importance.

I wish I had known more about domestic violence and its various forms. I wish I had known how to respond and speak up. I wish I had known to affirm Sally and tell her that such behaviour was simply not acceptable.

If you or someone you know is affected by domestic and family violence, visit ANROWS Get Support webpage or call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), the 24-hour National Sexual Assault Family Domestic Violence Counselling Service, or Lifeline Counselling (24 hours) 131 114. In an emergency, call 000.