Happy Mother’s Day – or is it?

Increasingly, the prayers of the church for Mother’s Day include blessings not only for the mothers we still have with us, but also for those we have lost. And the blessings often also recognise biological, adoptive, foster and spiritual mothers. Prayers on Mother’s Day are now likely to also include those who find the day difficult: for those who have lost children; for those who long to be mothers, and for those who are separated from their families and whose relationships are strained.

These changes are welcome additions for women like me, who have previously suffered in silence during Mother’s Day mother-only focused prayers. Since our personal situation is now acknowledged in the prayers in our church on this day, we are no longer excluded from the blessings of this day, even though it still carries pain and grief for us.

A bit about my personal journey. For a long time, motherhood was my dream. Life without children was never in the plan. In my teenage years I dreamt of having a couple of ‘clones’ screaming around me, learning and reflecting all my quirks. I even wrote their names in my school diary, to refer to when they eventually came along.

After marrying in my 30s I discovered that I had a reduced chance of falling pregnant naturally because of a number of medical conditions. The chances of IVF working were low, and apart from that, we could not afford it.

This was devastating news for me, but somehow my faith was unwavering throughout this time. The Bible contains several narratives involving barren women, each illustrating themes of faith, divine intervention and the fulfillment of God’s promises. So, I waited.

I had just turned 32 when I felt God had a plan for my husband and me to pursue a parenthood opportunity. We completed the training and over the next 12 years fostered 33 children, ranging in age from three to 17 years. All these children integrated in some way into our lives, be it for a short period of time or a while longer. They were accepted by our family and friends too, which was nice.

I stopped fostering when, in my late 40s, I had a hysterectomy. The operation was carried out in the birthing unit of a private hospital, which was emotionally draining, as I could hear the newborn babies crying as I recovered. That took strength, courage and faith.

Alongside our life with its twists and turns, we fostered seven former racing greyhounds and rescued three cats, and now we are in the process of training a puppy.

These experiences of providing motherly love and nurture for someone else’s child or pet have helped fill my ‘motherless void’. But many conversations at the watercooler and in most social settings include updates on children and grandchildren – conversations that leave the mother-less like me out. People don’t tend to hang around to hear stories about our fur babies, or nieces and nephews, in the same way as we’re ‘required’ to listen to them.

I feel God has protected me on this ‘crazy’ and unplanned journey through my life and helped me to tell my story so that others can understand that ‘Happy Mother’s Day!’ isn’t always so for many.

But I’m not alone on Mother’s Day. So many around me also feel the weight of this day, and often in silence. My mum, at 78 years old, lost her eldest son, my big brother, a couple years ago, then 51 years old. She says her strength comes from the Lord and although Mother’s Day is harder for her now, she has faith to know she’ll see him again in heaven. But the burden of a missing child is lingering all the time around her.

I am surrounded by women who have not had their own children for various reasons. One cousin has a condition that prevents her from conceiving. A friend has frozen her eggs but hasn’t found the right lifelong partner before her window closes. My sister-in-law had several miscarriages before being able to finally have her own, but she still feels those losses. Another friend has a child with a disability, which was not in her plan, and she feels a sense of loss because of this. And another cousin had her eldest child die from a sickness before he reached two years. I know of other women who fill their ‘motherless void’ by nurturing and spoiling their nieces and nephews, as they would their own children.

This is just a snapshot of my family, friends or colleagues, but out there are so many more. All these women have faith in Jesus and a hope and longing for that child that wasn’t meant to be.

So, as Mother’s Day has come and gone for another year, I invite you reflect on the prayers you might have heard in church this year, and remember that it is not always a happy day for many women and their partners.

Dear Lord … ‘may your Spirit bring healing, hope and tender compassion to the hearts of all who find this day [Mother’s Day] difficult’. Amen.